I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
