i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
