I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
