I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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