***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
