people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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