I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
