are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
