i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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