how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I had to cum in my sink.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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