YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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