so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
