I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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