I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
