I hate your face
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
