FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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