It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
