My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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