How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
