can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
