The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
