i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
