She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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