reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
where are you?
Hypothermia
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
