Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
