guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
