Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
