i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
