I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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