dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
