My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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