You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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