We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
