my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
