Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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