just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
