Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
