Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
