I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
