saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
