You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
