Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
