Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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