No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
