I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
