What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
