You can't special order awesome
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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