Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
