she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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