I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
